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The church: Westminster Abbey, London.
Denomination: Church of England.
The building: If any building were too well known to need introduction, this would be it. Rather French looking early English Gothic building in white limestone. Lots of flying butresses. Scene of countless coronations, royal weddings, state funerals, etc.
The church: Who needs to elaborate on its connections with royalty and the state?
The neighbourhood: The Houses of Parliament are opposite the east end. And there were thousands of tourists besieging the building, even on a miserable fourth Sunday in Advent.
The cast: The preacher was the Rev. Christopher Irvine, Principal, College of the Resurrection, Mirfield. The identity of the officiant was not disclosed. I assume it was the Dean, but it may not have been.
Evensong.
How full was the building?
The choir was full and there seemed to be lots of people sitting in the crossing between the choir and the high altar.
Did anyone welcome you personally?
First of all I had to negotiate my way past an official wearing a black outfit including bands, who was trying to separate the worshippers from the tourists. When I got inside, several ushers in red gowns directed me cheerfully down the north aisle towards the choir. In the choir aisle I found myself gazing at the monuments, and one of the clergy, seeing my lack of forward progress, said, "Would you like to come round this way, sir?" in a very helpful way. Finally, two sidesmen in frock coats and pinstripe trousers selected a stall for me and directed me with great civility.
Was your pew comfortable?
I had a very well upholstered stall. The kneeler was one of those efforts like a low stool with a long, thin seat set at just the wrong angle so that the edge digs very hard into your shins. This one was less agonising than most.
How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
Very quiet. The organ was played for 20 minutes before the service, and everyone listened attentively. The gentle sound of people being directed ever so courteously to seats could be heard from time to time.
What were the exact opening words of the service?
"Dearly beloved brethren, the scripture moveth us in sundry places..."
What books did the congregation use during the service?
A printed sheet giving the parts of the service that don't change, and a photocopied sheet telling us what the music and readings were, who was preaching, and giving the words of the psalm and both words and melody of the two hymns.
What musical instruments were played?
The organ.
Did anything distract you?
I was trying to trace the source of the disembodied voice of the officiant coming over the PA system. I was sitting quite close to an entire vestry of clergymen who had processed in with the choir, but none of them were moving their lips. It turned out the officiant was on the same side as me right at the opposite end of the choir stalls. One of the stalls on the opposite side of the choir had a large brass plaque above it containing the single word "archididactolus." I couldn't help thinking the term must be related to "archeopteryx" but the lady sitting under it didn't look at all like a fossil bird. Who were the four elderly chaps in red coats covered in medals who processed in and out behind the choir and clergy, but who took no part in the service? And why was one of them carrying some sort of short wooden staff, which he handed over ceremoniously on passing through the choir screen, for all the world as if to signify "choir out of section"?
Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?
English cathedral tradition at its best. Everyone knew what they were doing, and did it well.
Exactly how long was the sermon?
18 minutes.
On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher?
9 – Well paced, interesting, thought-provoking. Perhaps it was a little obvious where he was leading, but the biblical diversions en route were worth listening to.
In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
We spend a lot of time communicating by electronic means, and a lot of the communication is low grade stuff. Communication in person is far better, and we can and should communicate with God. Communication with God should be a two-way conversation, and it should prompt us to do good works.
Which part of the service was like being in heaven?
The superb choir.
And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
Nothing, really, except that I rather drew attention to myself in my efforts to identify the owner of the disembodied voice. These involved my looking very hard at the mouths of the clergy sitting in the east-facing stalls under the choir screen to see if there was any evidence of lip movement; they stared back.
What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
Having remained in my stall until the voluntary finished, I found I was almost the last person left in the abbey apart from the staff. As it was now dark and the Abbey was obviously closing, I left before they asked me if I needed to speak to someone, invited me to leave, or locked me in.
How would you describe the after-service coffee?
It was notable by its absence.
How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
8 – It would be wonderful to go to such services regularly, but I am not at all sure how easy it is to fit in here. Is there much of a regular congregation, or is it mainly people like me just passing through? And do they want people below the rank of colonel anyway?
Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
Yes, it was uplifting and moving.
What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time?
The Magnificat – John Tavener's Collegium Regale setting.
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