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The church: The Cathedral Church of the Blessed Virgin Mary and St Ethelbert the King, Hereford, England.
Denomination: Church of England.
The building: Ancient – a blend of Norman and later medieval. I've always thought it rather dark and dreary but on this occasion I was actually rather taken with it. There is, however, a hideous modern candelabra in the crossing and the nave lighting is a ghastly street-light effect, set into (and spoiling) a beautiful ceiling.
The neighbourhood: The centre of a small and not unpleasant city. Perhaps it's my imagination, but there seem to be an awful lot of car parks here and it's very hard to find a decent pub that keeps reasonable hours...
The cast: Are you ready for this? Vergers, Visiting Readers, Visiting Clergy, Diocesan Readers, Diocesan Clergy, Rural Deans, Canons Emeriti, Representatives of other churches, Visiting Dignitaries, Visiting Bishops, Crucifers, Taperers, Choristers, Lay Clerks, Organists, Chaplains, Legal Officers, Chapter Officers, Canons, Bishops Suffragan, Precentors, Canons-in-Residence, Lords Lieutenant, Mayors, Beadles, Chamberlains, Sword Bearers, Mace Bearers, Councillors, Aldermen, and a partridge in a pear tree. Oh, and the new Dean.
Choral Evensong and Installation of Rev. Canon Michael Tavinor as Dean of the Cathedral Church.
How full was the building?
A tad on the full side.
Did anyone welcome you personally?
A man checked our tickets and gave us an Order of Service and another man pointed us to our seats with "Well, anywhere over there really."
Was your pew comfortable?
No. A hard wooden seat and a backrest in just the wrong place: neither in the small of the back nor supporting the shoulder but just in the spot between the two that is damned irritating. Perhaps this might be the new Dean's first challenge...
How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
Muted excitement. We stood up every three minutes or so for another procession of bewigged, tudor-bonnetted, mitred or tricorned notables to make its way in. Heaven knows where they all went. Perhaps there's a special cupboard where they keep them all during services, just bringing them out for the odd procession.
What were the exact opening words of the service?
"O Lord open Thou our lips." 1662 Book of Common Prayer evensong at its best.
What books did the congregation use during the service?
A booklet, printed in two colours, on stiff paper. Very posh.
What musical instruments were played?
Organ, which sounded a bit muffled, but that may have been where I was sitting, and choir who performed beautifully. Their processional psalms were especially delightful.
Did anything distract you?
There was so much going on it was hard to be distracted – or perhaps the goings-on were a distraction in themselves. I have a thing about ladies in silly hats – I truly feel that hats are a wonderful thing for ladies to wear in church or out, but I just always seem to end up sitting near the worst examples. The woman in front of me was wearing the most extraordinary creation – a mass of white fuzz with a knitted centre focused around a knitted crown. I'm sure she loved it but my hankie was in my mouth...
Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?
The Established Church at its Savoy Opera best: solemn processions, more silly outfits than I could dream of, all worn by people who tried to look as if they dress that way every day, and Latin conversations that reminded me of the arrival of the new Master in Porterhouse Blue. Simply too exquisitely divine. All the things that make the CofE most ridiculous and yet better than any other denomination!
Exactly how long was the sermon?
15 minutes, but it felt much shorter.
On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher?
10 – Excellent. This man always gets it exactly right. Sound theology, but easy to listen to and to understand. How lucky Hereford is.
In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
The links between the church he leaves and the church he joins – parting is such sweet sorrow – and (for Trinity Sunday) the Trinity in a nutshell.
Which part of the service was like being in heaven?
The look on the new Dean's face as he was received at the west door – a sort of bemused anticipation. I wanted to give him a big hug and I'm not the tactile type.
And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
I got drenched in a downpour beforehand and, by halfway through the service, the steam was rising from my wool suit and producing a very strong tobacco-type odour which cannot but have swamped the lady next to me. I couldn't decide which was worse, my suit odour or her perfume.
What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
There were lots of clergy and laity I knew so looking lost was difficult. This was a real "Masonic-style" service, i.e. it wasn't actually Masonic, but there was more networking going on than at the local Lodge. Anyone who had ever met anybody else in the whole of their lives was talking to somebody.
How would you describe the after-service coffee?
The tea party in the grounds was only for the great and the good. My invitation must have been lost in the post. Hope their marquee leaked!
How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
7 – Services like this are fun but rare. The choir earns an extra point, as does the organist and the presence of the new Dean adds at least three points. Otherwise, I just don't like Hereford Cathedral. I'd spend all my time in the pew resenting the ghastly candelabra and the dodgy backrest.
Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
No, but it made me jolly glad to be an Anglican!
What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time?
Sniggering at the people whose job is to wear even sillier outfits than mine.
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