Get rid of troublesome organist problems and get your church on song for the 21st century with the Digital Hymn Player. Undoubtedly the technological innovation of the 1990s, this ecclesiastical karaoke player is briefcase-friendly and keyboard-free.

At the touch of a remote control button, Digital Hymnal instantly launches into any one of 3000 hymns stored inside on a miracle microchip. Special features include an optional 'Amen' button to bring each rendition to a fitting close. An extra button for Toronto-style barking is reportedly in the pipeline.