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Am With You Always – This fruitcake is sweet rather than nutty,
but I'm sure you'll like it. Larry had somehow got through life without
ever drawing a picture, when the Lord called him to depict him in action.
Fifteen years of practice later, we have a gallery of Jesus (that well-known
Anglo-Saxon hippy) looking over the shoulders of Christian cooks and carpet
layers, horn players and preachers as they do their thing. He guides Welder
through a tricky bit, and watches waist-deep in a bunker as Golfer lines
up. It's all a bit solemn till Guitarist (fellow hippy with nylon-string
acoustic, natch) gets grooving, and Jesus lets his hair down. |
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Chick Publications – Ah, Chick tracts! What happy minutes I spent poring over them as a child, as the Devil and the Lord arm-wrestled for my soul. Evolution, Catholicism, rock music, casual church-going... what Antichristian abominations did he not take on? And which of us hasn't read the classic "This Was Your Life", picturing ourselves wilting before the judgment seat of that bizarrely faceless Christ? As paranoid judgmental fundamentalist cartoon strips go, they're utterly gripping. If you're already a connoisseur, enjoy. If this is new to you, hit the link. What you waiting for? Don't you know the rapture could come any second? |
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Liberated Christians – Aren't those heathen lucky? Their lives are one long spree of carousing, wifeswapping and sexual adventures. But why should the Devil have all the best orgies? Liberated Christians are here to help us catch up. Dave and Bill introduce the world of sacred swinging, biblical free love and orgasmic therapy. Apparently their workshops are a little short of women, so if you're a sister in Phoenix, I'm sure they'd give you a warm welcome. |
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Was Jesus an Extraterrestrial? – Christmas. A virgin gets pregnant after a visit from an "angel". A new "star" moves across the sky. Unknown visitors come "from the East". The child becomes a "miracle" worker. What is the one explanation that makes sense of these phenomena? Jesus was an alien. Obviously. |
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Blessed Arrows – True Christians trust God with their family planning. We just do what comes naturally and leave the results with the Lord. But what if you realize this after having the snip? Come to Blessed Arrows the sterilization reversal ministry, and have a full quiver restored unto you. Contribute to the population explosion that promises to destroy civilization and hasten the Day of the Lord. |
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7000 Years of Recorded Time – Here's the whole of human history – past and future – taught to you by someone who's qualifications are a Bible and a calculator. It's a timeline from creation (4000 BC, give or take) to the second coming of Christ (AD 2000, give or take). One nice touch is that between the destruction of the Jewish temple in AD70 and the re-establishment of Israel in 1948, nothing happened whatsoever. |
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Demonbuster – There is still a place in the world where some people believe lightning is caused by a demon. It's Montgomery, Alabama. The people are Stan and Liz, and the demon is called Chango. Here they give you top tips in casting out more spirits than you could ever imagine – demons of perfume, the game snap, Christmas trees, paisley, hospitals, Catholics (natch), India, goat hair... WARNING: If you don't like the midi hymn tune, the demons have already got you. You must tape it and play it forever to get rid of them. Apparently demons have taste. |
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Holy Island Mead – Many thousands each year come to Holy Island, the heartland of Celtic spirituality. However if peace, monastic sanctuary and pilgrimage aren't your cup of mulled wine, there's always St Aidan's winery. Their Lindisfarne Mead not only packs a heck of a wallop, but is a notable aphrodisiac, we're promised. You can buy a three-pack (of bottles) for £28.92 by email, so put on some Gregorian chant and get the full Holy Island experience in your own home. The perfect accompaniment to Trappist Fruitcake. |
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Assumption Abbey – The Fruitcake Zone goes literalist. The monks of Assumption Abbey are devoted to the full austerities of the Trappist order and producing the yummiest fruitcakes in Christendom for $21 each. They believe that a life of poverty and the most basic possible clothes and food should not stop them from making extravagantly rich cakes for the rest of us – with the help of the Duke of Windsor's former chef. Amen to that. |
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The True Catholic Church – Is the Pope Catholic? Well, no actually. He's an anti-Catholic heretic, apparently, like all Popes since Vatican II. But fear not, for "the True Catholic Church" has filled this 40 year gap by electing Pope Pius XIII in 1998. His Holy See is in Springdale, Washington, and this is his homepage. The Church refuses to give membership stats, but as it has one cardinal and one priest, one assumes the papal election was a brief affair. Read 101 Heresies of John Paul II: "12. God loves heretics". |
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Our Lady of the Roses – This is a shrine (in the traditional sense of the word), proclaiming messages from the Virgin. She foretells wars, disasters, dooms, the end of the world, all the usual stuff. The best bit is her apparitions, which come only through the medium of camera film. Visit the gallery of pious snapshots, where our Lady reveals herself through phenomena that, without the eye of faith, might be mistaken for blurs, squiggles of light and over-exposure. I'm delighted to report that since we first brought you this fruitcake, the movement has split into two factions. They are St Michael's World Apostolate and (claiming to be "the one and only group, started directly from Heaven" and that "all else is man-made") Our Lady of the Roses. Neither will disappoint fans of the original. |
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Rapture Ready – One of Todd Strandberg's claims to fame is that he once emailed Microsoft's Bill Gates to ask him if he is the Antichrist. Gates didn't reply, which must constitute some sort of positive proof. He also runs this seminal site, with its Rapture Index. The Index monitors 45 world trends which "point towards the return of Christ", each trend awarded a maximum of five points according to their danger level. When the Index overall dips below 85 points, the world is bumping along in an era of "slow prophetic activity"; above 110 points it is enjoying a time of "heavy prophetic activity". Today's reading? Click the link and prepare for blessing! |
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jesus-is-lord.com – Many thanks to the scores of you who emailed us about this site. It's everything fundamentalist fruitcake should be: shot through with hellfire, judgment, hatred of Catholics and nothing remotely like a sense of proportion. It even uses phrases such as, "know ye not?" What makes it special, though, is its abomination of all translations of the Bible since (or before) the King James Version. Our host Tracy presents a legion of delightfully silly arguments, which will leave you convinced that all non-English speakers and anyone born before 1611 are justly damned. A biography that turns King James from an anti-Puritan homosexual into an evangelical icon is particularly tasty. |
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Date Jesus – Well, this is different. The site is a one-man lonely hearts column, and in an attempt to meet Ms Right, the man in question has uploaded pics, particulars and sermons expounding his philosophy of life. Wearing long golden hair and beard with white and blue robes, the Children's-Bible-Jesus lookalike goes by the name of... well... Jesus. He offers honesty, creativity, blessings and infinite passion. (Shouldn't that be compassion?) Oh yes, and a six-pack. Also on offer is a chance for a spiritually-minded babe to win "a shower with Jesus." |
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Brotherhood of the Cross and Star – These are the revelations of Olumba Olumba Obu, Supernatural Leader of the Brotherhood, and, he modestly adds, Sole Spiritual Head of the Universe. It's a long story, but the gist is that "everyone is going to die". In 2000, naturally. After three days of judgment, all spirits will be sent back to their bodies, find them rotted, and shuffle off to Hell. How to escape this fate: become a celibate vegan, and your body will be preserved to live forever in an austere paradise of peace, prosperity and putrefying corpses. Other Obu gems include a vitriolic denunciation against all who believe Jesus died on a Friday – it was, apparently, a Thursday. |
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Bible Answer Machine – It's happened to all of us, I'm sure. A pressing ethical, theological or personal problem comes up, and you can't find a qualified religious authority anywhere. The Bible Answer Machine is the perfect substitute. You put your question in one end, the cybervicar mulls it over briefly and then churns out an appropriate Bible verse at the other end. For maximum realism, the selected text is almost always totally irrelevant to your question, but probably answers the one you should have been asking instead. |
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Catholic Online Saints & Angels – Did you know that St John the Baptist has been made patron saint of motorways? Or that St Ubald is in charge of dog bites, St Adrian looks after arms dealers and St Fiacre offers comfort to haemorrhoid sufferers? This handy site lists over 650 areas of life which have been handed over to one saint or another. And that saints are moving with the times, too. St Clare of Assisi, for example, is patron saint of television. Why? "Because one Christmas when she was too ill to leave her bed she saw and heard Christmas Mass – even though it was taking place miles away." |
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Song of Songs, Literally – "How beautiful you are, my beloved! Your hair is like a flock of goats... your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn ewes..." The Song of Songs is erotic stuff – too damn erotic for many traditionalists who give it the exegetical equivalent of a cold shower and explain it away as a vivid description of "the mutual love twixt Christ and his church." This is puzzling, especially as it comes from the very people who insist on interpreting every other biblical passage literally. The wonderful illustration on this site, then, is for those of us who have struggled to extract any great meaning from a difficult biblical passage and who have yet to fantasise over a woman's neck that is "like the tower of David built with rows of stones on which are hung a thousand shields..." |
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Alien Resistance – "No grays!" they cry. Could this be the first example in the noble history of religious xenophobia of racism against non-existent species? The Alien Resistance website is devoted to warning humanity of the threat from Godless aliens. The gray invaders – mistaken throughout history for "demons" – turn up, abduct, abuse and disappear. As predicted by Jesus, in one of his less explicit moments. They control the global media and have already got into your head. The good news is that their videogame villainy can be stopped dead by saying "Jesus." "We are not on the lunatic fringe of theology," they insist, rather defensively. Anyway, didn't these fellas use to be green? |
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Society for the Practical Establishment and Perpetuation of the Ten Commandments – Ever long for the good Old Testament days of no mercy or forgiveness? Well, join Pastor Robert T. Lee's crusade to overthrow the "heathen American constitution" and instil a theocracy based on the literal interpretation of Levitical code. Of particular interest are his views on the "heathen" atheists, the "heathen" homosexuals, the "heathen" Jews, the "heathen"... well, you get the idea. Raises hypocrisy and paranoia to an art form. |
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The Hallelujah Diet – What is God's will for your breakfast? Find out here and be saved from every disease you ever thought of. Eschewing such conventions as medical or scientific training in favour of a flick through the Book of Genesis, Rev Malkmus rediscovers God's original plan for your colon. A truly scriptural diet, it seems, consists almost entirely of vegetable juice and a green powder available from the Rev himself at only $49.95 a jar. If that seems a little austere, the Garden of Eden regime may also include such biblical faves as Frozen Banana Smoothie and Raw Pumpkin Pie. Don't miss the hilarious disclaimer. |
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Christian Robot-Adviser – If you're facing one of those tough ethical decisions and don't know where to turn, why not whip along to the Christian Robot-Adviser for some timely words of advice? The opening screen asks you to name your troublesome issue by filling in the gap in this sentence: "I wonder, should I [your word here] or not?" The robot then serves up a custom-built list of biblical principles to test your decision. We tried keying in: "run naked through a Manchester restaurant" and "take money out of the offertory bag", with highly satisfying results on the following two screens... |
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God Hates Fags – Visit the final stop on the Fundamentalist Line in a website which makes Ian Paisley look like a man of peace. It's run by Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas, which "has conducted some 10,000 demonstrations during the last five years at homosexual parades and other events (including funerals of impenitent sodomites)." The idea that "God hates the sin but loves the sinner" is violently rejected. Instead: "only a fool would suggest that God loves everyone." Easily the most chillingly anti-Christian site we've come across in months of Fruitcaking. |
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Jesus of the Week – This site has amassed over 90 pictures of "the Manger Main Man" (as site creator Peter Gilstrap calls him), culled from pious posters, book jackets, Bible study notes and album covers. Hippy Jesus (No.20), Marlboro Man Jesus (No.50), Spooky Jesus (No.54), Jesus "closing the deal" with a depressed businessman (No.90) – they're all there, with a new picture added each week… |
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Premature Death of Rock Stars – Here's dying proof that rock'n'roll leads to rack'n'ruin – a catalogue of 317 stiff rockers and how they met their premature demise simply because (goes the argument) they were rock stars. Their average age? Just 36.9 years. Compare this with the life expectancy of the average clean-living American: 75.8 years. Case closed. Of course, this joyful little site overlooks the fact that Elvis, the veritable grandad of groove, even if still alive, would only be 63! And it fails to acknowledge the staying power of veterans such as Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton, the Rolling Stones, David Bowie, Pete Townsend, Elton John, Fleetwood Mac and (minus Lennon) the Threetles. But then, much to our delight, sites like these never let honest facts get in the way of a poor argument. |
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The First Church of Jesus Christ, Elvis – A truly tasteless site, with links to other places where you can worship the King. Also hit this for a list of striking proofs that Elvis and Jesus are one and the same. Particularly convincing are these: "Jesus was part of the Trinity. Elvis' first band was a trio." "Jesus is the Lord's shepherd. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd." And the clinching argument… "Jesus was the lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns." |
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The Christian Guide to Small Arms – God, guts and guns (three ingredients that have made America truly great) provide the ammunition for this explosive site. "It is not only the right but in fact the duty of Christians to be armed," declares Gospel Plow, an organization "dedicated to arming and training the remnant in America, declaring along with the founders of this supposedly Christian nation that there is 'No King but Christ'!" Of course, there is the obligatory Bible verse – "He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one" (Luke 22:36) – to provide a cast-iron theological basis for all that follows. The small matter of Waco, Oklahoma, Hungerford and Dunblane – not to mention Jesus' observation that "all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword" – somehow doesn't seem to merit a mention. |
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And Adam Knew Eve: A Dictionary of Sex in the Bible – Introducing Ronald L. Ecker's A to Z of biblical begatting: all you ever wanted to ask your minister about the Song of Songs but were afraid to turn him on. Supported by a laudable depth of genuine scholarship, this is the complete guide to holy humping, from Aaron to Zipporah. Zipporah? Well, no direct connection with Zippergate, although Monica Lewinsky (or perhaps even Hillary), might feel predisposed to an act similar to the one in Exodus chapter 4. Zipporah, the wife of Moses, circumcises their son and holds the severed foreskin to Moses' genitals, declaring: "Surely a bloody husband art thou to me!" Through Mr Ecker's excellent work, we discover that the first Zippergate was no less traumatic than the present one... |
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The Earth is not Moving – The title of this site might suggest a self-help area for dysfunctional sexuality, or even a pre-Viagra counselling corner, perhaps? Not quite... Instead: "The belief that the Earth is rotating on an 'axis' and orbiting the sun is the granddaddy of all deceptions in the world today," rasps author Marshall Hall. "The Copernican Revolution ushered in a movement that has totally reshaped and re-directed all of man's knowledge. The Bible declares the Earth to be motionless..." This is the Internet doing what it does best: propagating a million unverifiable and otherwise unpublishable conspiracy theories, and allowing zealot and infidel to rant gleefully at each other from the splendid isolation of the spare bedroom. |
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Cult Construction Kit – You are already articulate, personable, charismatic and a drop-dead knock-out to the opposite sex. You are convinced that you alone (and it's a burden almost too hard to bear) have the answers to society's ills. Forming a cult devoted exclusively to you and your ideas is the next obvious career move. Now all you need are some extreme doctrines and a way to cut out those "deepening" but tedious wilderness years of locusts and wild honey. Cue the Cult Construction Kit. Watch it go to work providing complete, irrefutable answers to the questions posed by those awkward, tiresome doubters and a helpful list of off-the-peg scriptures to support your more excessive claims… |
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European Institute of Protestant Studies – One man's fruitcake is, of course, another man's divine, inerrant absolute truth, so it is. And who could be more inerrant, divine and absolute than Rev Dr Ian Paisley? On the new European Institute of Protestant Studies website, Paisley and gang put their papal-bashing antics on hold to attack another gross error – the Alpha Course, writing it off largely on the basis that Rev Nicky Gumbel, its co-founder, not only promoted the Toronto Blessing, but is also a damnable Anglican. Ergo, by quantum leap of guilt by association, Alpha is fundamentally flawed. Be prepared to wince and weep. |
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Arthur Blessitt – Remember Arthur Blessitt, the 1970s Jesus freak who carried a 12-foot wooden cross wherever he went? Me neither. But apparently he's still walking the world with his cross and has now notched up an impressive 32,301 miles. He reports that his cross "has been turned away from being left overnight at more than half the churches requested, but has never been turned away from spending the night at a bar or nightclub in 27 years around the world." Click on the link above for all the Blessitt facts. |
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Ask Sister Rossetta – Sister R. claims to be a nun, but if nuns like this do exist, then why are the convents not full to bursting? Each week, Rossetta addresses herself to several of the pressing problems of the moment. Currently, she is considering Pat Boone's conversion to heavy metal ("the Bible clearly states that only sinners could wear black leather…"), the reason why dinosaur bones are on earth, and choosing underwear which is explicitly approved in the pages of scripture (with helpful illustrations). The Lavender Nun also hears email confessions and answers problems. |
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Churches Ad Hoc – Take a mobile chapel on wheels. Or an onion-dome church next door to a Chinese restaurant. Or a church with a poster proudly announcing that it stands against "truth decay". Now put a sharp-eyed photographer (Mr Herman Krieger) in front of them, and see what happens. The result is a clever and very amusing site with a photo essay on American oddball churches, complete with captions loaded with enviable puns and wordplays. |
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