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Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together this morning to celebrate the government ban on cigarette smoking in church.
All: We are?
Minister: We are indeed, because as we all know, people smoke in church all the time.
All: Not.
Minister: Therefore let us stub out our cigarettes with gladness, and cast off the works of darkness by joining together in the words of the Smoker's Prayer.
All: Can you give us a light?
THE HYMN
Minister: We stand to wheeze our way through the hymn.
Hymn: Light Up the Fire (to the tune "Richmond King Size")
THE BLESSING OF THE "NO SMOKING" SIGNS
The new plastic "No Smoking" signs (one for each entrance into the church, as required by the UK Health Act 2006) are laid upon the altar. The deacon takes the thurible and censes the signs from each side of the altar, using "Old Smoky No. 6" mixture (Navy Cut).
Minister: Bless these hideous signs, O Lord. May they ever remind us not to smoke in the pews.
All: Or have a furtive drag in the vestry.
The minister may now lead the people in a time of holy coughing.
ORGAN VOLUNTARY
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes (arr. M. Physema)
THE PEACE
The congregation may now process to the main door of the church and stand outside for a 5-minute smoking break. Please share with those who may not have brought their own, and place your cigarette ends, as normal, in the collection plate during the offertory.
THE DISMISSAL
Minister: God hates fags.
All: In the English sense of that word.
Minister: May the marketing of St Peter Stuyvesant, St Benson and St Hedges not be with us all, evermore.
All: Amen.
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